Inside My Head
by ShawnLassiter56
Summary: He's reading it. Cliff's reading my diary. Post-ep to War Crimes.


**Disclaimer: I don't own The West Wing. Post-ep to War Crimes. Donna's POV. **

He's reading it. Cliff's reading my diary. The only shred of privacy I've maintained during this subpoena insanity. It's gone. All of my secrets, all of those nights I came home crying and wrote for hours, he's reading them.

He's reading about Josh.

No one knows I love Josh. Not one single person in the world knows. Cliff's going to be the first person. He's taking away the last secret I really have. This is so stupid. I should have just told the truth, or, I guess, I just shouldn't have slept with Cliff. Then this wouldn't be a problem.

The worst part is that Josh is next to me. He has his arm around me, and he has no clue. No clue that he's the reason I panicked. I'm not saying it's his fault; I was just so scared that they would ask for the diary. I was scared that they find out about how I feel about Josh and have me transferred. I didn't want to risk it.

He's probably to the part where I start liking Josh. It seemed insignificant then. I didn't think a little crush would matter. I didn't mean to fall in love, honest. It just kind of happened. He's a sneaky bastard, Josh Lyman.

He's about 15 minutes into reading...he's probably just reaching the fight. A little over a year ago, Josh and I fought. I mean, we always fight, but we _really_ fought. We would get into screaming matches in his office and stuff like that, but we were functional in terms of work. CJ and Sam staged a few interventions, but nothing worked. These were the nights I came home crying and wrote for hours. After a while, we missed each other too much to fight anymore, and we stopped. I said some stuff in that chapter...I really never expected anyone to read.

I know he can't do anything with the information. Josh would throw a fit, and he has October 4th and 5th. That'll keep Cliff quiet, but it's not about the press, or even embarrassment. It's a violation. I'm a free woman, and my private thoughts shouldn't have to be taken away from me. Maybe it's my own fault. Who am I kidding, it's my own fault. I lied under oath. I know perfectly well that that's illegal, not to mention a sin, but I panicked. It could have happened to anyone. This isn't a big deal. I'll probably barely see Cliff after this, so this barely matters. I keep trying to tell myself that, but I can't shake this feeling of vulnerability.

Think about it. People say sex is the only thing that makes you more vulnerable than secrets, so he's got my top two. Even if he is at Josh's mercy in keeping my secrets, it still feels like I'm naked on the floor, like all my defenses are gone.

What if he tells Josh? He wouldn't. Would Josh's rule still apply if it was about him? Cliff can't. That would just be morally wrong, ignoring his legal obligation. He's a good guy. He could never do anything as twisted as that. I'm just stressing myself out. He has been reading for a half an hour. He might be nearing my...um...fling. Let me explain.

Okay, truth time: I crawled back to Chris (or Dr. Freeride, as you may know him) for a week last year. I was upset, and I had a week off. I went home for the week, and there he was. I was sad, and lonely, and he hadn't changed a bit. He was still the same manipulative jerk he had always been. Josh had met a girl, a floozy named Emily. She would come into work with him, giggling and practically climbing him every two seconds. She was a secretary at some law firm, and she was so unprofessional, she managed to rub off on everyone's favorite workaholic: Josh. During that period, he decided to see me as "one of the guys". In the morning, after they had sex the night before, he would go on and on about how great Emily was, how gorgeous she was, blah, blah, blah.

After about a week of this, I just wanted death. Either to me or to Emily, I'm not sure which. She was always there. I guess her law firm gave a lot of time off, and I mean _a lot_. Everyone hated her around the White House. Now that I think about it, why did the Secret Service let her in? Hmm. Curious. Anyway, she was public enemy no. 1 around the office. Ginger made a petition to have her banned from the property. She got about 200 signatures before Josh ordered her to have it shredded.

Even the President had a problem with her. He met her once, and excused himself because he had a meeting with the National Security Advisor. Right after he left the room, he told us all that he was just trying to escape her; the National Security Advisor was unreachable in the Bahamas for the next few weeks. After a great deal of panic among the Senior Assistants, this was revealed to be a joke.

So, I had a week off, and I used it to go home. I ran into Chris at a bar while I was there, and we wound up spending a lot of time together. When he started trying to get me into his bed, I realized how stupid trusting him again was. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...well, you know how it goes.

Okay, we're at 45 minutes. I can't believe Josh is waiting with me. I haven't even said anything; it's probably pretty boring for him. Cliff must be almost done. He should be hitting October 4th and 5th. That's pretty embarrassing. I wish this wasn't happening. This is what I get for a.) Lying under oath b.) Sleeping with a guy I barely know and c.) Writing stuff this private down. It's my fault, I know it is, but I want to be angry with someone, and Cliff fits the bill.

I just became conscious that Josh is holding my hand. I don't know how long he has been holding it. I give him a little squeeze. He smiles at me. He has a beautiful smile. Those damn dimples, I can never focus with those in front of me. And his eyes are just kind of ridiculous. It doesn't seem fair that some people have muddy, boring eyes and he has eyes like those.

I think Cliff's almost done. His hour's almost up, anyway. It feels weird, knowing that someone else knows my secret. I have nothing that I've never told anyone anymore. I feel...empty. Like he's in my head, hearing my thoughts. I'm crying now. I was so close to making it! Josh wordlessly holds me.

Cliff's out. He nods at Josh, returns my diary, exchanges a few legal words with Josh and asks if he can see me alone for a moment. I follow him to the fountain a few feet away.

"Good luck." He whispers. "I don't think you'll need it, though."

"What do you know that I don't?"

"Nothing. Just...good luck, Donna." He turns around and heads to his car.

First Joey Lucas, now Cliff. They know something about josh, or at least they think they do. Sam and CJ and Toby sometimes exchange looks at weird moments. It's starting to feel like there's some kind of conspiracy that everyone's in on except for me and Josh.

Huh.


End file.
